1) Beware of Coarseness and Indecency when calling others to Allah

When dealing with others, a Muslim invariably confronts situations where he is verbally abused or derided. If he is living among non-Muslims, he might sometimes be confronted by a situation where a non-Muslim abuses his honor, that of other Muslims, or even the honor of Islam, with foul and unsavory language. The question arises as to whether it is suitable for a Muslim to reply back in a similar fashion to defend Islam and the Muslims. Would he be sinning if he were to use similar foul language against the non-Muslims? It is not fitting for those who should be calling others to Allah to use unsightly and foul language. This is impropriate behavior for a Muslim to stoop to, regardless of who starts it, even if the one who initiates it is a non-Muslim. Our good example in this and in all matters is our Prophet Muhammad (saw). The Prophet (saw) was the best of those who ever called people to Allah. We must emulate his conduct in the way we deal with non-Muslims. He had been tormented and abused by the unbelievers. They scorned him and made him an object of ridicule. Ultimately, they expelled him from his homeland. Nonetheless, he remained in his conduct a blessing for all living things. A Jewish man once greeted the Prophet (saw) by saying: "Death be upon you." He used the Arabic word 'sam', meaning 'death', in a parody of the Islamic greeting for peace which is the word 'salam'. Though the Prophet(saw) knew exactly what the man had said, he paid it no heed and gently replied: "And upon you." He did so without repeating the misused word "sam" and behaved as if he had not noticed it. However, Aishah, who had also heard what the man really said, immediately retorted: "And death be upon you and a curse as well! "The Prophet (saw) said: " Take it easy, Aishah. Allah loves kindness in everything." In another narration of the story, it is related that he also said: "Beware of coarseness and indecency."Aishah complained to the Prophet(saw) saying: " Didn't you hear what they said?" The Prophet(saw) replied: "Did you not hear my reply? I responded to their offensive supplication. My supplication will be answered by Allah while their supplication against me will not be answered. " [Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim]Some of the Companions once asked the Prophet(saw) to pray to Allah to invoke His curse upon the pagans. He replied: "I was not sent to curse people but as a blessing. [Sahih Muslim] Also, the Prophet(saw) said: "It is not fitting for a sincere lover of truth to invoke curses." [Sahih Muslim] And he(saw) said: "A believer should not invoke curses." [Sunan al-Tirmidhi with authentic line of transmission] We should call people to Allah by explaining to them the truth about Islam. We must teach them our beliefs, our code of Law and our exemplary moral standards. If they resort to curses and vindictive, we should instead take recourse to sound arguments and evidence. Only those who are weak and defeated, who have no knowledge, choose to respond by insult. We must refrain from such conduct. However, this does not mean that we are never to defend ourselves against abuse or seek judicial action to remedy it, particularly if the abuse is directed at Islamic beliefs and teachings. Allah(swt) says: "And whoever defends himself after his being oppressed, for such people, there is no way of blame against them. The way of blame is only against those who oppress mankind, and wrongfully rebel in the earth. For such there is a painful doom." [Surah al-Shura: 41-42] This means that we may seek justice and redress in the face of oppression. We are entitled to respond to abuse, but without allowing ourselves to fall into oppression or transgression. May Allah guide us all to the right way in our words and deeds? May He bless us to conduct ourselves in the noble manner of our Prophet Muhammad(saw).Courtesy: Sheikh Muhammad al-Khudayrî--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2) Managing the Pain and Pleasure of Relationships

Relationships are the lifeblood of our journey through this world. Good relationships not only can help us navigate through the challenges of this life more easily but they can be fulfilling and as well invigorating. Bad relationships on the other hand can put one’s life dead in its track. Ask a divorced person who has left a married life – or a person who ended up changing his work due to bad relationships – or ask family members devastated and shattered due to family squabbles. They will all attest to the powerful impact of bad relationships in changing the course of one’s life, while leaving them debilitated in the process.

It’s a no-brainer that good relationships provide the energy that blooms our lives. Even more baffling is that many of us Muslims fail to follow the ready made recipes that Islam provides us along with the living example of the Prophet Muhammad (SAWS), who among many other things was a master of human relationships. No wonder that books on relationships sell more than any other specific topic.

Relationships can be painful –

No one would argue that being in relationships has the potential to cause enormous mental pain and agony. Whether it’s a spouse verbally assaulting the spouse, a child defying parents and family values, friends violating a trust, or a supervisor putting an employee down, these relationship potholes can wreck souls, can cause us to get a heavy heart and a burdened mind, makes us cry, leaves us frustrated and indifferent and at times leaves us wondering about the value of such relationships in the first place. What’s worse is that when we continue to live in such relationships, we rob our lives of the energy and enthusiasm that could have shaped our lives so much differently than what it ultimately becomes.

The “blame game” rules such relationships. People’s self worth is trampled. Life does not seem “fair”. Insensitivity to feelings rules and the emotional roller coaster seems endless.

Such relationships are in need of serious repair.

Relationships can be pleasing and fulfilling –

On the flip side, healthy relationships can be so much rewarding. Love, trust, and respect uplift our souls, make our lives more fulfilling and meaningful, and make us thankful for our relationships.

Such relationships need not just be cherished but more importantly they need to be maintained.

Relationships must be actively managed (build, maintain, and if necessary repair) –

So, how do we manage the pain and pleasure associated with such relationships? You manage a relationship by actively working on it and by constantly renewing it. If you are even a moderately practicing Muslim, you know how that works. You know that relationship with your Creator is the most important one. Even in those cases, the relationship must be renewed.

Consider the saying of the Prophet (SAWS) who said, “Faith wears out in your heart as clothes wear out, so ask Allah to renew the faith in your hearts.” You see, most of us manage relationships in a “default mode”. The default mode is the way we are mentally wired to deal with people and relationships in general. The better our relationships were managed at home while growing up, the better our default mode would be and the better we would be to build and maintain good relationships with others, our spouses, and other acquaintances. Growing up while observing families in lousy relationships makes ones default mode develop in the same manner – something that other people can’t live with – unless of course one takes concrete steps to change those learned behaviors. Shifting out of your default mode of dealing with relationships is about a change in attitude toward other people – it’s about a change that others can notice – it’s about expressing your appreciation, and doing things for others. Ideally, one should start learning from early childhood the basics of building and maintaining good relationships. No wonder that a number of schools now have adopted curriculum that teaches building good relationship skills right from pre-school years. In parallel, parents should strive to maintain a healthy social environment at home as well. That is very unfortunate as the life of the prophet (SAWS) is exemplary in how well he treated people, families, children and encouraged parents to treat children.

Once children are raised in homes where they are taught to respect and manage relationships, it in turn helps them to grow up to be strong individuals as they become adept at building and maintaining very strong relationships with people in all walks of life. Doing so becomes a second nature and helps the person in relationships with family, friends and work. Have you ever wondered about what your default mode is in dealing with people? Do your loved ones cherish your behavior or do they run from your verbal assaults? Reflect on this hadith: ‘Abdullah bin ‘Amr bin Al-’As, may Allah be pleased with them, said: A person asked Allah’s Messenger (may peace and blessings be upon him) who among Muslims was better. For example, what will you do to maintain a good business relationship that is very vital for your business and income?

Going of your way to be appreciative of the relationship that you have with them

It’s common sense.

But not very surprisingly, the same “brain” and “sense” starts to malfunction when it comes to personal relationships within our families. Prioritize your relationships –

Do you know anyone who spends more time strengthening relationships with their friends and business partners than their own families? Let’s face it – certain relationships are more important than others and therefore deserve more time and effort than others. You can’t abandon your own children and be helping other children. Even in Islam that teaches respect, love, patience and understanding as the cornerstone of all relationships, certain relationships are given more priority over others. For example, in a well-known hadith, Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “A man came to the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, who among the people is most deserving of my good companionship?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ The man asked, ‘Then who?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, then who?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, ‘Then who?’ He said, ‘Your father.’”Just because you are “around” your family members more, doesn’t mean that you spend the least amount of time nurturing those relationships.

Narrated by Muslim in his Saheeh.

 Relationships can be repaired –

More often than not, spousal relationship topics top all other form of relationships that need repair. How would you classify your relationship with your spouse? Once relationships become routine, spouses in a troubled relationship are less forgiving, amplify mistakes, and throw verbal assaults more than they are cheerful to each other. The prophet (SAWS) also said as narrated by Abu Hurairah: “He who does not thank people, does not thank Allah”. You just can’t repair a relationship without these basics – else, you either get a boring relationship or could be headed for more trouble.

Relationships are defined by a person’s character and mental strength –

A person’s strength in many ways is a reflection of the strength of his or her relationships. A person who is weak succumbs to unbridled emotions, uncontrolled anger and erratic thought processes. These in turn are a perfect recipe for poisoning relationships. The truth as Islam teaches us is that a strong person manages his emotions and directs them appropriately to build and manage relationships rather than using them to damage relationships.

When we study the prophet’s behavior and the behavior of his companions, we will likely understand that verbal assaults are NOT the way to manage anger. Abu Hurairah narrated that Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) said: ” The strong man is not the one who is strong in wrestling, but the one who controls himself in anger ” (Bukhari, Muslim).

The ultimate relationships is the one with our Creator –

In a Hadith the Prophet (PBUH) said that Allah said: “..In a Hadith the Prophet (PBUH) said that Allah said: “..my servant does not come closer to Me with anything more dear to Me than that which I made obligatory upon him. My servant keeps coming closer to Me with more volunteer deeds, until I love him. When I love him, I become His ear by which he hears, his eyes by which he sees, his hand by which he holds and his foot by which he walks. If he asks Me any thing I shall give him. If he seeks My protection I shall grant him My protection… “(Al-Bukhari 6021)

Before closing, we all need to remind ourselves that building and managing healthy relationships and avoiding the potholes of bad relationships involves the use of basic common sense. Stepping away from the heat of the moment – correcting others respectfully without destroying their self worth – disassociating oneself from negative emotions – reflecting on the cause and effect behavior that shapes good and bad relationships, and other such basics can bring about clarity and a change in our attitudes. If your relationships are bad then change how you are contributing to those relationships. We will learn that in close relationships, sometimes love and respect need to supersede the desire to prove oneself right and the other wrong. Some more thinking and reflection will lead us to the fact that a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law relationship can rarely be strong if the man in the middle does not have a good relationship with both. We will learn that children ought to be taught the essentials of relationships early on in their life – something that an Islamic education will teach more than their secular education at school or elsewhere.  

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