Most of my readers will know that I grew up outside a Muslim environment, just part of the `normal' everyday world of the West. So, my experiences were probably very different from those faced by Muslim readers. However, it is important to realise that Muslim or non-Muslim, all human beings suffer from rather similar problems, difficulties and temptations. As human beings, we are all born with hearts that can easily flutter, get upset, or get carried away by various stimuli. There is no point in being silly about this – it is the way Allah made us. We do not know His reasons why, we just have to get on with the way we are.
And it is a fact that human beings, (for they are all still part of the animal kingdom, even though they have a few important extra features), can all be seriously affected by hormones (look them up!), phases of the moon, time of the month, and what the weather is doing. This comes on top of what your parents are doing (or, more important, where they are at the time), what possibilities you have for a private life where no-one can see what you are up to, and what your friends get up to.
So far, I have not even mentioned the words `sexual attraction'. And I certainly haven't mentioned `love'.
I first fell in love when I was eight years old. The only things I can remember now about this nine-year-old that so affected me in the playground were that his name was Roy and that he used to wear wellington boots with the tops turned down. This was considered to be very macho at the time. To be honest, there was nothing very fetching about Roy and he used to take my sweet-money and eat the sweets I was prepared to sacrifice for him, but the boots had a serious effect on me. I adored him.
My next `real love,' a playmate aged ten, got caught pinching other things than sweet-money, and I was so aghast that he could have stolen from my own family that it took some time to get over the shock. Then, at around thirteen years old, I remember being crazy about the forty-five year old man in the Post Office where I had a Saturday job – in his case, it was the way a lock of black hair hung down over the counter when he bent over pension books that attracted me. He used to flick it back in such a film-star way.
Now, why should I tell you all this? Well, you will see that these `affairs of the heart' were all pretty innocent, but they illustratetwo important things – even at the age of eight my heart was quite capable of storming passion, and that the objects of my desire were not actually the males themselves but some feature of their looks, or even their clothing. Their characters did not come into it.
I don't suppose I was all that different from most of you. Even if young people are kept in total separation from members of the opposite sex, it makes no difference to what goes on in the urges and feelings department. It is frequently the case that for many women, they never get to `love' any human being anywhere near as much as they do/did some highly attractive pop-star, film-star, football-star.
The `stars' of this world have attractive features that are extraordinary. It may be their faces, their bodies, their legs, their hair, their clothes. We know virtually nothing about their real lives – what we know is the story in the film or book, the longings expressed on their pop-videos. We don't see them in slobby gear, or sick and weak, or first thing in the morning. We don't witness their bad habits, their bad tempers, their meanness, their hurtfulness, their infidelity. We think that even if we did, we would love them just the same.
But let us turn to real life – the things that happen in the classroom, lecture-hall or at work. As Muslims, we know we have a few rules to keep, and they are not easy ones. The most important on the subject of this article is – no sex outside the marriage relationship.
There is no point in assuming that if Muslims pray, take cold showers, read the Qur'an and perhaps fast too, that they will not suffer the pangs of attraction. Even the Prophet (pbuh) was not immune. According to our records, he never indulged in a sexual relationship before marriage, but he did feel love. He grew up in his uncle Abu Talib's household, and when he was in his early twenties he desperately wanted to marry Abu Talib's daughter Fakhitah. She also loved him. But her parents had decided that Fakhitah was to marry a wealthy cousin, Hubayrah, and this is what happened. She became better known as Umm Hani. Shortly after that, the Prophet (pbuh) married his wealthy employer, a lady of forty years old who had been widowed twice and had at least five children. Twenty-five years later, this lady – Khadijah – died, and when the Prophet (pbuh) was sixty-one years old he met Fakhitah again, and again proposed to her -but there were still reasons why they could not marry. They never did.
Another incident from the Prophet's (pbuh) life – one day he was sitting in a public place talking to his friends when he saw an attractive lady pass by, and began to feel those pangs. What did he do? He went straight home to his wife, and put the temptation out of his mind by being close to her. `When one of you sees (meaning `fancies') a woman,' he said, `he should go to his wife, for that will repel what he feels in his heart.' Muslim 672.
However, you are not a married adult, but a youngster. So what should you do? Really, what we want you to do is to think like an adult and have the awareness of an adult – and not just any old adult, for there are many stupid and ignorant and weak ones. We want you to start practising being a wise, careful, prudent and sensible adult. You need `people skills' and, of course, these are not easily acquired without experience and practice.
Firstly, let's think about the romance that is churned out on TV, in films, magazines, romance-paperbacks, and so on. These things give us fuel to our secret fires, our secret longings. They wind us up. They can even become like a drug, and those who are `turned on' by them go back for more and more, like a `fix'. In real life, we may be experiencing nothing like it at all, but the romancing appeals to those deep urges in us. Is that harmful? Yes, it is, in a way. Supposing you are a chubby or fat person. You want to eat foods with sugar and fat in them. You desperately want them, you probably cannot give them up – but you know they are bad for you. Filling yourself up with romantic notions is rather similar.
Suppose you are suffering from the unwanted attentions of someone at school or college or in the workplace. Someone else hasbeen stirred up by your charms, but you are not interested and wish to keep away. Islam is very clear – you have the responsibility to do your best to protect your honour and your good name. This is best done by never putting yourself into a position where you could be compromised, or taken advantage of. If you are in a public place with someone, or have a trustworthy witness with you – well and good. But if you are in private, alone in a room, behind a bike-shed – then even if nothing happens and you do not give in to any temptation, there is nothing to stop tongues flapping. Bad boys (and girls) boast. They tell lies. And then, how can you convince others of the truth? Don't forget, once you have been caught out in a lie, nobody can ever be completely sure that you will not lie again. The trust has gone. If you allow someone to do something once, nobody can ever be completely sure that you will not do it again.
One of the hardest and most hurtful things for a parent is to discover that their child has lied. If you have already gone past this situation – don't panic. You can do things about it. Firstly, you must feel sorry in your heart, and feel the need for forgiveness. If you don't, then I'm afraid my words are not going to mean very much to you. If you do feel sorry, then be absolutely sure that Allah will forgive you. Allah always does, even if the humans involved may not. Then, you have to resolve not to get yourself into that kind of situation again, and do your best. This is not to say it will not happen again – but you have to do your best. Really.
You have to be streetwise. You have to try to see things coming and take evasive action. Islam teaches that when a male and female are alone together, Shaytan soon comes along and is the third party – moreover, the one who will gossip! Don't put yourself in a compromising position. Keep in public, keep someone else with you – and I don't mean a crony of the person trying to be alone with you!
Supposing you have been smitten – it is you who are the one suffering from longings and urges. Again, be streetwise. I foolishly wrote a note to somebody once, only to find later that the boy had shown all his friends and eventually pinned it up on the wall! Ouch – that was a hard lesson. Others write diaries, and they get seen by the wrong eyes too.
Bt supposing it is Real Love? Then, this is serious. Love is real. It isn't always just young lust. It can strike at any time. It can strike even when you are old, or married to someone else. Sometimes it involves enormous sacrifices. Sometimes you will never be able to `have' the person you love. Big tragedies occur when youngsters fall seriously in love when they are just too young. The sad thing is that they may never again fall in love with anyone else the way they loved that person then. First real love is always huge, and remembered until you die. It might turn out happily, but almost always does not. You will learn painful lessons, and this is all part of what we call `growing up'. You learn how to cope with pain and loss. Listen to the words of those pop songs – one minute it is `moon' and `June', and the next comes all the suffering and heartbreak.
You need to learn that true love is not just getting someone who will fulfil your needs and fantasies. Every time I hear those song-words `I need you', it makes me worry. Yes, of course we have needs, huge needs, and huge fantasies – but true love is not so much about what you need, but about sharing a life together. It means loving the partner, warts and all. If the emphasis is on what you need, the relationship is not going to work for long – it will end in tears.
Actually, this is an important factor in the great love-stories and films. Usually the couple start off not at all attracted to each other, even antagonistic. They may even hate and loathe each other. Then they begin to get under each other's skins, and as the story unfolds – bingo! – they suddenly realise the good points and what they mean to each other, and their lives together begin. That's usually the end of the film, of course – when it should be the start of the reality story.
You have to learn how to give love. The more you can love and give, the more you will be loved.You have to learn how to look beyond the surface. I often tell people that this is one of the great advantages of being blind – you get to know people by what they are, and not by how they look.
You have to realise that sexual attraction is not the same thing as love. If you are `in love', stop and think whether you actually like the person you love. Think of the things they do and say. If it was anyone else doing it or saying it, would you really like that person? Try and work out why it is that your parents would not like that person. If you are at the stage of contemplating marriage, try to imagine what your intended partner is going to be like ten years down the line, at the parents' evening.
`Love' is a very strong intoxicant. It can make people do silly things. It can seriously cloud their judgement. Islam, and your parents, will do all they can to protect you from it for as long as possible, but they know you will not escape it. No-one does.
It can make people very weak and unprincipled. `I would do anything for love', says the song. This is put over as if it was a good thing – but is it? Think about it. Here's another one – `Love conquers everything'. Does it? Of course not.
`Well, he/she may have a few faults, but my love will enable him/her to change.' Dream on – bad habits only get worse, irritants only get more irritating.
There is a huge problem in the Muslim communities here in the UK of finding and getting the right partner, and achieving the happiness in a husband/wife relationship that should be `half the faith.' Use the years of your youth to observe and learn, and find wisdom. Use your time to make yourself as talented and useful a partner to someone as you could possibly be. Try to see your young years as the right time to be doing the training – then, when you are the right age for marriage, hopefully you will be able to choose wisely and be happy.
May our dear Lord, who is the Turner of Hearts, bless you and guide you in the right way. Ruqaiyyah.