In the name of Allah, the Most-Merciful, the All-Compassionate

 

"May the Peace and Blessings of Allah be Upon You"

 

Bismillah Walhamdulillah Was Salaatu Was Salaam 'ala Rasulillah

                       As-Salaam Alaykum Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakaatuh

             ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) In-laws or Outlaws

 

 

 “Allah commands justice, the doing of good and liberality to kith and kin, and He forbid all shameful deeds and injustice and rebellion; He instructs you that ye may receive admonition.”(Surah An-Nahl: Verse 90)

Almost every society especially the ones flourishing in subcontinent or the ones influenced by subcontinent culture is a huge victim of interference of both parents and in-laws in the affairs of children especially after their marriage. Parents should understand that Allah has bestowed upon them set of responsibilities towards their children and like versa. However it is evidently clear from Quran and Sunnah that children are not the properties of their parents and vice versa and therefore no-one owns no one. Every time either party goes beyond their already set responsibilities or expectations— injustice shall arise and chaos shall be inevitable/un-avoidable. Surely in that case, involved party shall be answerable before Allah!!!

Many divorces, too, take place between young couples because of parental interference. If we really want our children to flourish and progress, we should refrain from interfering in their affairs. We should not try to become uninvited judges of their problems. We find that this malaise practice is deeply rooted in our society. It has gone to such an extent that even the men of piety, even those who are regular in salah and even those who are understanding, intentionally or unintentionally, cause problems for their children by their interferences. Kindly find below refreshing take on certain aspects to help sort out this serious issue:

01. Love & Jealousy - One should learn to accept that different kind of love exists and each has its own capacity and its importance, e.g. Children’s love to their parents, husband’s love to his wife, brother’s love to his sister and so on. Once either son or daughter gets married, mothers commonly feel jealous that their children love their spouse more than them. Kindly understand that the love of your children towards you is always there and could not be compared with their bond and commitment towards their spouses.

02. Confidence – Be confident in your children’s love and do not suspect them just because they need to divide their time towards spouses after the marriage. Be sure to keep loving you them as before and let the children know of it. Always let them know that you are there for them no matter what for any guidance

03. Care – Common issue relating to care and looking after parents after marriage is that parents often wrongfully blame their son in-law or daughter in-law for not taking care of them enough or at least that’s how it is perceived —this is mainly applicable to situations where daughter in laws are concerned. It should be very clear that it is mainly the duty of children themselves to fully accept and fulfill their responsibilities towards their own respectful parents. Majority of the times, parents either fail to realize or still in denial to accept that in many cases it is their own children’s negligence and only they are to be blamed—this applies mainly to cases where son responsibilities are concerned towards its own parents.

04. Consultation – When one gets married, issues relating to spouses/marriage are bound to emerge—in which case one can always go to their parents or in-laws for guidance. Make sure that one should consult them and should not complain to them. If one comes across as complaining to their in-laws about their daughter or son—it shall be taken negatively and shall always create a negative impression.

05. Advice for parents/in-laws- Remember always to advise your children rather than ordering them or imposing your suggestions on them.

06. Involvement of parents/in-laws – Don’t get involved in the details of your children’s marriage life– let them explore and experience their lives on themselves. Let them handle things on their own unless they come to you for your help and advice! Remind yourself all the time, that when you got married you wished the same.

07. Gifts – Often give gifts, small and immaterial it may seem, to your parents and in-laws as it has a magic effect. Love needs expression so such kind gestures show one’s love and care to them. Always remember to be fair and just between parents and in-laws.

08. Forgiveness – Whatever your parents or in-laws say or do–always be willing and ready to let issues go by. Allah loves those who forgive and forget and is considered one of the best attributes to have.

Keeping in mind the Qur’anic verse where Allah says;

”and treat your parents with kindness; if either of them or both reach old age in your presence, do not say *Uff* to them and do not rebuff them, and speak to them with the utmost respect. And lower your wing humbly for them, with mercy, and pray, “My Lord! Have mercy on them both, the way they nursed me when I was young.”(Qur’an 17:23-24)

09. Privacy of couples—Keep your family matters within the walls do not disclose them unless it is necessary.

10. In-law’s respect and care for daughter-in-law - Let the daughter-in-laws know of your respect, care and love for them specially through your actions. Express her of your happiness and satisfaction upon her marriage to your son, and how wonderful of a wife she has been to him. If she happens to be a mother, tell her what a wonderful mother she is. No one ever gets tired of hearing sincere compliments. Do compliment her and say “JazakAllah” when “JazakAllah” is due instead of behaving as if a thoughtful gesture is a duty to her towards that needs to be obeyed.

11. Realizing that you are you and she is she- Your daughter-in-law will most likely do things differently than you. If it bothers you, just smile and bear it. Don’t try to dictate how things should be done. In the end, the little details aren’t important. Don’t let them cause tension between you.

12. To Mother in-laws - You have seen each one of them grow from young ladies, to loving, caring women. Give them the same unconditional love that you give your sons.

13. To Mother in-laws - They were raised by families with different backgrounds than yours. They each have their own ways of doing things. They have learned a lot from you, and, hopefully, your relationship will get better with time.”

Needless to say, some of the comments above may be relevant to fathers-in-law as much as it is to mothers-in-laws. In order to sustain the key elements of a wonderful relationship with your daughter-in-law/ son-in-law a concerted EFFORT is to be made in establishing and maintaining it. Nonetheless, as this article has concentrated on the mother-in-law; it is not intended to portray a one sided approach or to demonize them in anyway. To equally sustain and maintain this balance—it requires and needs the daughter-in-law/ son-in-law play their parts with similar awareness, respect, care and patience. As the cliché’ goes: “It takes two hands to clap”.

14. Be a good wife and be a good husband that no one will ever criticize you.

( Nor can Goodness and Evil be equal. Repel [Evil] with what is better: then will he between whom and you was hatred become as it were your friend and intimate!And no one will be granted such goodness except those who exercise patience and self-restraint – none but persons of the greatest good fortune.)

(Qur’an 41:34-35)

-        Allah knows best –

-        ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2) 7 Steps to Great Relationships

1. Respect People

Always talk to people with respect; speaking to them like you want to be spoken to. Be kind in your words and actions. Think before you speak, because once the words leave your mouth, they can’t ever be taken back. Your words may be forgiven, but they will never be forgotten. When you speak harshly to someone, you put a small crack in that relationship. Too many small cracks and the relationship will crumble.

2. Be Loyal and Trustworthy

Be the kind of person that can always be counted on to do the right thing. Never do anything to betray that trust. Always be honest, and always temper your honesty with kindness. Let them know that they can always lean on you, and even their deepest secrets are safe. If you don’t have trust in a relationship, you don’t have anything to build on.

“A friend is one who walks in when others walk out” ~~ Walter Winchell

3. Put Others First – Be a Friend

I know it’s not easy, but you need to put the needs of others first. By that very act you show how much you care, and how important that relationship is to you. When you enter a relationship with a heart that puts others first, you are blessed by the fruits that are grown from such an act. By showing a genuine interest in others, you show yourself a friend, and gain loyal, lifelong friends to yourself.

As Dale Carnegie said, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

“The only reward of virtue is virtue; the only way to have a friend is to be one.” ~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

4. Don’t Try and Be Someone You’re not

Always strive to be your best self, but never try and be someone you’re not. Relationships built upon lies and distortions will never stand. Real friends are honest and upfront with each other. If you want to have a real friend, then be a real friend. Part of being a real friend is being yourself. If you want to impress someone, impress them with your kindness and friendship.

5. Don’t Take People For Granted

I think this act probably causes more hurt, resentment, or weakening of friendships than any other. We go from enjoying someone’s company, really appreciating all the things they do for us, and thinking about how great they are for the things they do. Then, let a little time go by, and we stop acknowledging the good things about them. We come to expect certain things that we considered special at one time. Don’t do it, it’s a relationship breaker. No one wants to be taken for granted.

6. Be Forgiving

What if the one being taken for granted is you? It hurts to feel like you’re not appreciated. If we aren’t vigilant in caring for our relationships, these things can easily happen. That’s why it is important for us to look at others like Christ looks at us, with compassion and forgiveness.

Be sure to talk to the person taking you for granted. Don’t let it build inside until the relationship is destroyed and irreparable. If they’re a true friend they should apologize and be willing to change that.

Another trick to great relationships is good communications, and not holding grudges. Be forgiving as Christ is forgiving.

7. Be Positive and Encouraging

I love being around people who are positive and encouraging. It brings out the best in me and causes me to want to be positive and encourage to others. Can you think of a better emotional boost than to help put a smile on someone’s face?

Dwelling on and being discouraged over problems will do nothing to make them better. We need to acknowledge the problem, tell that problem it’s not going to define us, and then get to working finding a solution.

When someone you care about is down and hurting, you getting depressed with them will do nothing to help. What you need to do is show them compassion, be empathetic, and let them know you’re there for them.

Then you need to lift them up. Help them to see some of the wonderful things about themselves and their life. Sometimes people just need to be reminded that they’re special, and we believe in them even when they quit believing in themselves.

 Compiled, edited and adapted by Khalid Latif, www.thekhalids.org

Prev

Next